dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
And then he peed in my hair
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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