It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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