I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
