I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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