you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
