I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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