he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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