well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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