So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
