I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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