hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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