i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
