the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
