I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
