Banned from zoo.
Again?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
