two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
