I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
