I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
