there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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