"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
