got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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