What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
