he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
