No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
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So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
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Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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