I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
you traded sex for a burrito?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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