i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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