I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I will pee on everything he values.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
