Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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