Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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