R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
