She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
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In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
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That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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