Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
