I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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