I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
