Buhtt sex?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Randomize
