I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.