Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.