I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
