i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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