I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
