I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
