i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
