I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Are we still banned from the library?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
We are all done wearing pants today
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
