I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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