I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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