Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
