Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
