I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
you mean i was at the winter classic?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
