Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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