honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
