the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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