Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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