Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
