Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
If I die, sorry about rent.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
