That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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