I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
