officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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